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Friday, May 2, 2008

☺ Newsflash: Englishman Eaten by Bear

Tina Talkfast, Television Newscaster, TV LA-Now
Buff Harryton, On-the-scene Reporter, TV LA-Now
Jason Greenleaf, California Treehugger
Reginald Jenkinshanks, English Mountaineer

{static, then channel changes...}

{sitting at transparent newsdesk in front of a garish silver TV LA-Now logo, Tina with short skirt, orangish tan, and high heel pumps receives a bright pink memo from someone offscreen}

Tina: This just in... An Englishman known only as "Steve" was seen walking ... Walking? OMG, who walks? ... on the Pacific Coast Highway earlier today by two campers, and is now missing. Police have found a few pieces of clothing, including a scrap of t-shirt reading 'Manchester United,' one soft leather loafer, and a man-purse. The black bear seen sleeping nearby had no comment.

Tina: (listening to earpiece) We take you live now to our reporter on the scene, Buff Harryton.

{Tina turns and talks to Buff on a big high-definition screen}

Tina: Buff, you are looking very handsome today, but before we find out where you found those sunglasses, what can you tell us about the missing Englishman?

Buff: Thanks Tina, we don't have all the facts yet, but a very strange and possibly tragic tale appears to be developing. Let's start with the first eye-witness, Jason Greenleaf, who first spotted the Englishman. Jason, what did you see?

Jason: (waves to camera) Hey Tina! I just want to say that I was so impressed when I read in LA Hottest Newscasters Weekly that you only use animal-friendly makeup products and locally grown produce because the cost of fuel to ship tangerines from New Zealand is ...

Buff: Um Jason, what about the Englishman?

Jason: Oh yeah, him. Well, I knew something was wrong when I saw another person out walking instead of driving. And not only that, he was walking on the wrong side of the road!

Buff: So you thought he might be insane?

Jason: I did, but he looked kind of hungry and harmless so I took a chance and said hello. Turned out he was English. Well, I invited him to join my picnic, and then everything went wrong.

Buff: You mean the bear showed up?

Jason: No, he turned out to be a real jerk... first he drank all my beer and tossed the bottles into the woods, and then kept telling me how to pronounce the food I was giving him, so I told him to take a hike - literally.

Buff: Well, thanks Jason, that was very, um, interesting.

{camera switches to Tina who is yawning and buffing her fingernails}

Tina: (noticing camera and flashing her bright white veneers) Well Buff, that sounds bloodcurdling. Thank you for that excellent report ... what? (looking at some offscreen producer) stretch? oh, okay ... So Buff, we know the Englishman was an insane man-purse carrying litterbug with poor manners. Is there anything you can tell us about a possible encounter with the bear?

Buff: (smiling, showing what appears to be 58 teeth) Yes Tina, we have one more eye-witness, and in an amazing coincidence, he's also from Great Britain!

Tina: (in an aside, not supposed to be audible on the broadcast) Well who else would be out walking and camping, for God's sake, other than a treehugger or some crazy poms?

Buff: ...This is Reginald Jenkinshanks, visiting the states from Liverpool, England. Reggie, what can you tell us?

Reginald: It's Reginald, please, thank you.

Buff: Okay, Reginald. Did you see what happened?

Reginald: Well, this bloody Man U. fanatic with a sling on one arm comes stumbling along, drunk as a skunk, and I saw right away he was trouble.

Buff: Man U. fanatic?

Reginald: Manchester United, most over-rated footie club in England. I root for the lads of the Liverpool F.C. side of course. But I thought here we are, fellow Englishmen adrift in the colonies, so I tried to extend an olive branch, gave him a meat-pie and rum toddy, I did. Well he just would not shut up about the beauty of Old Trafford, Rooney's unmatched speed, and the brilliant leadership of Giggs at midfield. I did what any self-respecting Scouser would do.

Buff: (silently, confused) footie? Scouser?

Reginald: (concluding) I told the scrote to perambulate.

Buff: Huh?

Reginald: I politely asked him to leave. So he started down the road again. That's when the bear took an interest in the bloody barmpot's bloody wounded arm. Tragic. Truely.

Buff: I see. Did he put up much of a fight?

Reginald: Well, he tried, I'll give him that. He bravely pulled that tire-iron out of his sling and was about to give the bear what for.

Jason: (appearing from the side suddenly) He didn't hurt the bear did he? Black bears have been systematically excluded from their natural hunting grounds, much like the native peoples of California...

{Buff grabs Jason by the collar with one hand and easily moves him aside}

Buff: Then what happened, Reggie?

Reginald: Well the bear growled, and the tosser dropped his weapon. It was all yorping, growling, and crunching after that. Bent him like Beckham, the bear did, if you take my meaning.

Buff: Wow, sounds gruesome.

Reginald: Not so bad really. I've see worse by the hooligans in the stands during the FA Cup. And the bear had the good taste to spit out that Manchester United jersey, you have to give the lad credit.

Buff: Yes, I see. So Tina, that's all we have for now. Buff Harryton reporting live from the Pacific Coast Highway.... um Tina?

Tina: (unconscious, wakes up suddenly with a lurch) So it was a case of Bear today, gone tomorrow, huh Buff?

Buff: Beautifully summed up as always Tina!

Tina: And that concludes our broadcast for this evening. Remember what we have learned here folks. Don't talk to hitchhikers. They could be conservationists, or worse, soccer fans. This is Tina Talkfast saying, Have a Nice Day, and a Make-Over Tomorrow!!

{fade to commercial}

~ QtheC


  1. Oops, I deleted your comment, Anonymous. Click on the Humor tag to the right to see earlier examples of humor or satire here on this blog, if interested, going back to its earliest days.

  2. Was Manchester United a product placement?


  4. ref:
    English-to-American Dictionary


  5. hilarious QtheC!
    great job!

  6. Imagine this video being produced with Jennie playing Tina, Jonas playing Buff, Daniel playing Jason, and Gavin playing the part of Reginald. There would, of course, be poignant footage of a lonely Steve half-stumbling down the road toward dusk, with growling bear sounds in the background... ;)

  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  8. In case anyone is wondering, the comment above the "huh??" was SPAM in Chinese with a link to a Chinese website showing some guy holding a fist full of money.


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